Writer's block, the bane of my existence. halting words, in the lyrical verses. siphoning all the joy from the masterpiece. Writer's block sucks!!!!

I'm having a bout of writer's block. I don't like it. It's probably because I have this project due in my Humanities Class. I'm doing a presentation on "The Muses" from Greek Mythology. Ironic, that my muse seems to have gone off to some far away place and left me behind with nothing. Well, my muse left behind a wall that seems to be blocking my "flow" of creativity. It'll come back. Soon I hope, I really want to work on Morgan's Blessing and get to work on the Sleeping King. I have a few ideas of how I want to present this but nothing concrete as of yet. I'm hoping that this block is temporary because long term blocks are not my friend. lol. This block probably popped up because of all the venting I did last week. Not just here but in RL. Having to deal with your own bs and hang-ups is hard work and draining to say the least. On the up side, I feel a lot better. A whole lot better, with the exception of the writer's block, I'm doing great!!!!

Hopefully I'll get finished with the project for class and be able to focus on writing the last two poems in the Avalon Series. I might make it three or four, I haven't decided yet. I'll see how Morgan goes, if only to see if I really want to write the Sleeping King. After that who knows. Unlimited possibilities abound.

~later~

**Disclaimer: The Entry below is EXTREMELY personal and may reveal information previously unknown about the blogger. You have been Forwarned. READ at your discretion.**

Well, I emailed her tuesday and I didn't think she would read it but she did and surprisingly she replied. She called me heartless and didn't accept my apology. I guess I deserved it. I apologized for hurting her feelings, she said I should have apologize for being the way I am. I guess I am heartless in a way. I don't feel things the way other people feel them. I will say one thing she is right about one thing. Everyone deals with shit in their own way. Some people roll with the punches, others let the bad suck them down into a depressive state, others rage at everything around them and then there are those who don't do anything about a bad situation, they just sit there and complain about it. No progress just complaints. Just wallowing in their own misery, trying to drag everyone else down around them. No compromising on anything, just being hopelessly stuck in their own personal hell. Speaking from personal experience. I've been trying to change that, it's a long road to change sixteen years (almost seventeen) years of negative thinking and reinforcement of negative behavior. It's hard to move on when you have people around you reinforcing your behavior and attitudes.

With that being said, it's ultimately up to the individual to change themselves. For someone like me, that's a terrifying journey. When I have spent the majority of my life, from the ripe young age of ten, thinking that my lot in life is to feel the pain of loss and grief. That being happy is only short lived and that pain is all I'll ever feel, I expect the bad all the time. The good goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. After a while I became numb to things, emotions and thoughts were the first to go. My thought processes were changed dramatically. I don't process situations like I'm supposed to.

Here's a situation: Utilizing public transportation for finding and/or working on a job.

• Here's a normal reaction to that situation: "It'll be a little harder but it's manageable. Hours will have to changed to accomodate the bus schedules but it's doable."
• Here's my reaction to that: "It can't be done. I can't work past four thirty or I'll be stranded at work. No one will come and pick me up and I don't know anyone at work. I can't be stranded that  far from home with no way to get back. Employers don't like being told how late you can not work. So it's a moot point in finding a job."

Evil right? Extreme negativity right? Not willing to compromise right? I know and I hate myself for it. It's so hard to change my thinking. I'm beginning to think it will never be changed, not completely. As the old saying goes, "Old habits Die hard. Especially the bad ones." I'm trying. I really am, but then again I don't know, I confuse myself sometimes. All I can think about is "I want what I want and I don't want to have to change what I want to make other people happy." There is no room for compromise with me, I have my mind set  a certain way and there's no deterring me from it. I've been trying to compromise but the way  my mind works is that whatever I do, it'll be for other people's benefit, so they will leave me alone. I will be miserable doing something I don't like, but they'll be happy because I'm working. To me, only my feelings and comfort matter, I know things don't always work like that and you have to start somewhere. I just don't want to have to be stuck in a job that I hate just to make some money. I know I have to change that line of thinking if I'm going to get a head in life, but it's so hard to compromise my goals and dreams just to do things I don't like or want to do.

Such is life, at they say. I'll just have to get over it. One way or the other I'll have to get over it. I'll have to bite the bullet, give in and compromise, even if it doesn't make me happy. That's the way to world works, you have to start somewhere, not matter how unhappy it makes you, it's a start. I guess I should go back to work at that place I don't like because it's too far from my house. I really don't want to but if nothing pans out, then it looks like I'll just have to swallow that bitter pill and endure the pain in my shoulders, just to make a few bucks. Massage therapy, therapy for the clients-strenuous work for the therapist. I hope I get better tips this time around, IF I do go back there. I only say that because the pay sucks. I work my butt off for sixty minutes to ninety minutes, on top of stripping the table, cleaning the room and making sure everything is exactly the way it was before I got there, for $7.50/hr + tips(which is usually like $2-$5), when the advertisement for this company says that we're supposed to get paid $15/hr + tips. So not fair. Just not fair. It's one of the reasons I quit, false advertisement. Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell, well as much of it that's going to fit in a nutshell. I know its probably changed some of your perspectives on me, but that couldn't have been avoided for long. It was only a matter of time before most everything came out.

~Later~

Honesty

Behold the perils of the tainted heart, for the truth of the Pearl lies within the deceitful mind of the Angelic Messenger,

Forgetting the whispers of honesty's sake, verbalizing from the soul, the whole story of emotional passage,

Aspiring to close the gap between the feuding friends and end the coldness of the ardent force,

For without Honesty there is nothing, but the falsehoods of forked tongued individuals destroying the Harmony of Life,

Looking deep within, pulling the knowledge from the depths and finally acknowledging the Individuality of Infinite Friendship.

I just wrote that. It fits the situation and the real purpose of this blog entry.

Which would you rather have: Truth or Deception? That is the question I pose to you. I want the truth and I do mean the truth. I don't harbor any illusions about myself as a person, I know the mistakes I've made, I know where I am going, I know what I have to do to get where I need to be. I don't want sugar-coated lies that hurt rather than help or the sweetness of deceitful tongues that enable instead of push forward. I know I'm not the best person in the world and I can say things that other people might view as objectionable or distasteful.

I was recently in a situation that has plagued many women over the years, the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I am thankful that I wasn't pregnant afterall but during my crisis, some friends of mine weren't so compassionate to my emotional state. I was being baggered and pressured to be happy about a situation that was not conducive to my current circumstances. I told my friends that if I was pregnant I would put the child up for adoption. In my mind, that was the best thing for the child, but of course that wasn't what other people wanted to hear.

They pushed and pressured me (they tried to at least) into saying I was going to raise it (if I had been in fact pregnant). I told them no, the best thing for the child would be adoption (my mom said she would adopt her own grandchild and I had no problem with that). I'm not in a situation to care for a child. I still live with my Grandmother, I don't have a job, I'm currently in school and I have debt that needs to be paid off (student loans). That is no environment to be raising a child, besides that my Grandmother told me if I ever got pregnant while I was staying with her, she would put me out. I'm sure you noticed by now that I haven't mention anything about the would-be father. Well, he has two kids already both of them eight years old (they're five months apart) by two different women. Although he pays child support for both of them and spends time with them when he can, there is no way he wants another child right now. He works two jobs and lives with his mom, sisters and one year old niece. Most of his money goes to child support.

Besides that he and I aren't dating. We're not in a "conventional" relationship. For the most part, he and I are friends. We met two years ago when I was in school for massage therapy(he started the program after I did). We were and still are friends but raising a child in that kind of relationship (no security whatsoever) is not in my plans. So again I am truly thankful that I am not pregnant. By the way, he's happy too. I made a promise to myself and God not the let that happen again. I will not find myself in that situation again. Not as long as I can help it, not as long as I have my wits about me. So, I've taken a vow of chastity/abstinence/celibacy (whatever you want to call it). I don't want another scare like that as long as I live.

As I was discussing this with my best friend (she's married with two beautiful little boys) she kept trying to push me to be happy about the prospect. Needless to say I wasn't happy at all. So she kept pushing me and pressuring me until I went off on her. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being bullied and pressured to be excited and happy about raising a child on my own with no help whatsoever from anyone. I was not going to be happy about something like that and she needed to understand that. I understand that she was coming from the perspective of a mother, but I had to keep reminding her that she was married and I'm not. She's married to the father of her children and I'm not even dating the would be father of my possible baby. Our situations are different and she wasn't trying to let me have my own opinion. So we argued and now she's not talking to me.

She's not talking to me simply because I told her the truth. I told her I would give my (maybe) baby up for adoption and try not to think to about it. I told her if I thought about it, it would drive me crazy with worry, with wondering what's happening and so on and so forth. I told her I didn't want to be like that, so I would try to put it out of my mind and know that my (maybe) baby was being cared for by people who would give it a good life. She doesn't believe in adoption so she was trying to get me to be like her. To believe what she believes and be happy that I might've been a single mother with no home, no job and a newborn. I ask you: what kind of life is that for a raising a child? What would be better, being homeless with a newborn and having the state take away the baby or giving it up for adoption? In situations like these there are no definitive answers that will please everyone, but the bottom line is what's the best thing for the child. That's what no one was thinking about but me, I know I'm not in a position to start a family. I'm not working, I don't have my own place and I'm not with the father (and he was offering no help whatsoever), I would be on my own with a baby and nowhere to go. I would have had to quit school and try to find a job and a place long before I would have given birth. Not impossible but I didn't want to do it. It's just that plain and simple, I didn't want to do it.

I came back to school so I can have a better life, so I can eventually move out on my own. So I can take care of myself. Find a good man to share my life with and maybe start a family, but right now that isn't going to happen. I thank god that I'm not pregnant. I thank god for opening my eyes to the truth of things and people. I know now that I don't have any friends, I only have myself. Hmm. What a lonely existence my life is turning out to be. Not by choice but by disagreements on how to best handle any situation that comes along. Sorry this entry is so long, but I had to get it all off my chest.

~Later~