it's been awhile since I was here last. I've been trying work out somethings that have been going on in my life. Dealing with my family, looking for a job, trying to figure out who I really am and what I want to do with my life. The latter is surprisingly difficult for me. My mind works on a different level than most others; I don't think about things the same way someone else would. I know I need a job, but my mind fights conformity and monotony. I don't like routines (well not all the time anyway); they tend to get stifling and confining. I don't like to be confined; I've been confined my whole life. I've realized that I have spent too much time in my room, in my grandma's house. I need to get out. the walls are closing in on me(not literally of course). I want to break free and do....something! what that something is, is the dilemma I face.

I want to see the world, I want to get paid to be a tourist. LOL. I want to see what's outside of nebraska, outside of the midwest. I want live the life I was meant to live. I know my destiny isn't here in nebraska, it's somewhere out there in the world. Where I don't know; probably somewhere far away from here. LOL. how to get there is the other problem I have. I know I need money, I need a job, but the thought of sitting in an office or cubicle on the phone all day doesn't appeal to me. working in a clothing store with prepubescent girls and boys trying to dress grown up doesn't appeal to me. I like writing, I like traveling-why can't I get paid to write about my travels? Simple, I don't travel; I haven't traveled in a long time.

Lord only knows how I'm going figure all of this stuff out. I've been treading water for so long, I just want to stop and go under, but something always stops me. I've been wandering in the darkness and shadows for so long and just when I'm ready to lie down and quit moving, I get a glimpse of the light. I'm tired of treading water, I need the boat to hurry up and get me; I'm tired of wandering around in the dark, I need to be in the light real soon. I can't take all this stuff and yet it keep piling on more and more with no reprieve. I need a very long vacation and I needed it yesterday.

Well, my weekend wasn't all that bad. I had a friend of mine ditched me for her boyfriend, that sucked because I figured it all out and she didn't tell me. She and I had plans to go out to a part Saturday night, (I don't go out all that much, so when I do it's a big deal) but she ended up changing the plan without telling me. I had to figure it out so I was pissed off at her for a little while. She apologized and admitted she was at fault for not letting me know she changed the plan. Other than that it was a pretty nice weekend.

Anywho.

My niece turned one on Saturday as well. She is a smart little girl. I just wish she would stop trying to push things out of my room. LOL. I love her dearly, but if she tries to highjack another stuffed animal from my little display, she and I are gonna fight. She is too precious for words; it's fun to watch her walk(toddle) around the house, pushing the laundry basket or her box all around; while she's laughing and babbling. It's too cute. It's cute until she tries to pull something breakable off a table, then my grandma gets to yelling, I laugh and my niece looks at her great-grandma like she's crazy. It's hilarious.

I'm still looking for a job. Keeping my fingers crossed something good comes my way soon. 

That's the update for now. Hope all is good with you all.

~later~

yet it is still summer. the weather is cool here, comfortable. it feels like fall with morning temperatures in the fifties and low sixties and the afternoon highs in the seventies. it's really interesting weather here in the midwest. then again, for as long as I can remember it's always been like this. the seasons blend together all year round confusing the people while making others sick. I don't care as long as it's not snowing (which will happen whether I want it to or not). I'm not looking forward to the winter; and yet I am. the only reason is this: my birthday is two days before the Winter Solstice. So I'm going to end this post with a poem I wrote a while ago called "Changing Seasons", enjoy:

Changing Seasons

The wind may blow outside during the harshness of Winter's Touch

the trees may bow to the force of Nature's Wrath,

the leaves may twirl and dance upon the baleful breeze

heralding the end of Autumn's fire,

the sky may turn shades of gray,

showing it's mourning of the Goddess's Life,

for this is the time of changes,

The time when Winter buries the world under a blanket of frigid air

while preparing for the rebirth of youthful fervor come

Spring's Laughter, be not afraid of the changes which come your way,

accept them as they are, see the good in them no matter how bad the situation

look for the glow of hope that shines eternal in all things,

seek out the warmth of the soul's love

and acknowledge the infinite delight of the Divine Symphony;

once you have done that you will see the very Heart of my Soul;

Embrace the passion, embrace the love, embrace the friendship

that is given you and be thankful for your good health,

your home, your friends and loving family

and sense my presence in all the compassion of your soul's forgiveness

12/1/06