~later~
not too much has changed on the homefront. Some good news, I'm sleeping better, not optimal but better than I was a little while ago. I do hope and pray that the deprivation doesn't come back at all. My sanity can't take another blow like that. It was too much, but I'm not going to dwell on it now. I'm working on maintaining my new outlook on life. Just trying to keep a positive attitude about things is going to be better for my disposition. 
Anyways
I'm looking for a job, no prospects yet. I'm sure that'll change here in an minute. I'm taking things slow because I know how I am when I get a job. I'm fighting my own anxieties and fears now, so far I'm winning. So big plus for me. I don't really have much to report other than that. I want say a big "How do you do?" to all my friends here at mindsay. I truly hope things are wonderful in your neck of the woods.
~later~
is not fun ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you that right now. I haven't had a good night's sleep in "I-don't-know-when" that's how long it's been since I slept all night or for longer than an hour. I don't know what to do, all the sleep remedies I have tried have not worked, sleeping pills, warm milk, warm bath, whiskey & honey, etc. Nothing is working!! I'm so tired I can't think straight, everything is amplified to a new level of overwhelming!! My focus is all kinds of off. I'm not functioning like I'm supposed to be. I honestly don't know what to do. My mom says I need to meditate more or something like that but my mind doesn't shut up enough for me to meditate. I've tried, she told me to try again so, I guess I'll be trying again sometime soon. Not right now because that would be weird, writing a blog and meditating at the same time. Actually it would be kind of cool if someone could actually do it and keep doing it. Hmm. I'll work on that or have someone else work on it for me and see if it is possible.
that's all I have to say for now my head is starting to hurt really badly. I think there might be a migraine brewing for me in the coming hours. I hope not, then I would really be incapacitated. Wouldn't be a stretch. I'm almost there anyway, dealing with the constant sleep deprivation.
The one question I have not been able to answer, well there are a few questions that I haven't been able to answer, but this one is bothering me. How do you know when it's REAL? How do you know when a relationship is going to go the distance and you're not just fooling yourself? Is it all about risk or what? Do you just go for it and hope you don't get hurt? Or do wait and see where it's headed? I don't know that's just a few questions that have been plaguing me lately. I need to know these things and he thinks I should stop worrying. I can't help it, I just don't want to get my heart broken again. I almost didn't make it the last time around and this time would be just as bad if not worse. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out like feels like it will.
anyways
how do you know what your purpose is? I mean when do you figure it out? Does it come to you out of the blue? Or does some event trigger and epiphany that will hit you down into your very essence? Again all I have is questions and no answers or answers that don't particularly make any sense to me at all. I'm already treading water in the deep end of my mind, I'm almost drowning in exhaustion and my sanity can't take too many more hits. I'm down to the last of my energy reserves here once I go under there is no resurfacing. Not this time. I'm so tired there isn't a word for how tired, exhausted and drained I am. My insomnia is so bad right now it's ridiculous. I'm struggling to figure out where my relationship is going and on top off all of that I'm trying to figure out my path in life. I'm so tired of treading water and floundering around in the dark I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope here, I'm at the edge of the cliff looking down into the canyon wondering if I should just let go, step off and stop kicking?!? My mind is driving me crazy with all these questions I don't have the answers to; I can't sleep at night because the thoughts won't shut off!! I am seriously losing it here and it feels like no one in my life gives a damn about it. They're just waiting for it to blow over like all the other times. NEWSFLASH people!! This is NOTHING like the other times, I mean absolutely NOTHING like the other times. I can feel myself slipping away and I don't know where I'm going to end up!! I would be terrified if I had the energy and state of mind to be that damn scared!!
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just can't take it anymore. I don't what I'm doing here or why I keep going through all of this crap. I'm about to explode and implode at the same time. I don't have any energy to fight it this time. I'm all tapped out. Sitting here typing this is too much for me. I truly believe I'm done.
ExesWorriesVenial?