**Disclaimer: The Entry below is EXTREMELY personal and may reveal information previously unknown about the blogger. You have been Forwarned. READ at your discretion.**

Well, I emailed her tuesday and I didn't think she would read it but she did and surprisingly she replied. She called me heartless and didn't accept my apology. I guess I deserved it. I apologized for hurting her feelings, she said I should have apologize for being the way I am. I guess I am heartless in a way. I don't feel things the way other people feel them. I will say one thing she is right about one thing. Everyone deals with shit in their own way. Some people roll with the punches, others let the bad suck them down into a depressive state, others rage at everything around them and then there are those who don't do anything about a bad situation, they just sit there and complain about it. No progress just complaints. Just wallowing in their own misery, trying to drag everyone else down around them. No compromising on anything, just being hopelessly stuck in their own personal hell. Speaking from personal experience. I've been trying to change that, it's a long road to change sixteen years (almost seventeen) years of negative thinking and reinforcement of negative behavior. It's hard to move on when you have people around you reinforcing your behavior and attitudes.

With that being said, it's ultimately up to the individual to change themselves. For someone like me, that's a terrifying journey. When I have spent the majority of my life, from the ripe young age of ten, thinking that my lot in life is to feel the pain of loss and grief. That being happy is only short lived and that pain is all I'll ever feel, I expect the bad all the time. The good goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. After a while I became numb to things, emotions and thoughts were the first to go. My thought processes were changed dramatically. I don't process situations like I'm supposed to.

Here's a situation: Utilizing public transportation for finding and/or working on a job.

• Here's a normal reaction to that situation: "It'll be a little harder but it's manageable. Hours will have to changed to accomodate the bus schedules but it's doable."
• Here's my reaction to that: "It can't be done. I can't work past four thirty or I'll be stranded at work. No one will come and pick me up and I don't know anyone at work. I can't be stranded that  far from home with no way to get back. Employers don't like being told how late you can not work. So it's a moot point in finding a job."

Evil right? Extreme negativity right? Not willing to compromise right? I know and I hate myself for it. It's so hard to change my thinking. I'm beginning to think it will never be changed, not completely. As the old saying goes, "Old habits Die hard. Especially the bad ones." I'm trying. I really am, but then again I don't know, I confuse myself sometimes. All I can think about is "I want what I want and I don't want to have to change what I want to make other people happy." There is no room for compromise with me, I have my mind set  a certain way and there's no deterring me from it. I've been trying to compromise but the way  my mind works is that whatever I do, it'll be for other people's benefit, so they will leave me alone. I will be miserable doing something I don't like, but they'll be happy because I'm working. To me, only my feelings and comfort matter, I know things don't always work like that and you have to start somewhere. I just don't want to have to be stuck in a job that I hate just to make some money. I know I have to change that line of thinking if I'm going to get a head in life, but it's so hard to compromise my goals and dreams just to do things I don't like or want to do.

Such is life, at they say. I'll just have to get over it. One way or the other I'll have to get over it. I'll have to bite the bullet, give in and compromise, even if it doesn't make me happy. That's the way to world works, you have to start somewhere, not matter how unhappy it makes you, it's a start. I guess I should go back to work at that place I don't like because it's too far from my house. I really don't want to but if nothing pans out, then it looks like I'll just have to swallow that bitter pill and endure the pain in my shoulders, just to make a few bucks. Massage therapy, therapy for the clients-strenuous work for the therapist. I hope I get better tips this time around, IF I do go back there. I only say that because the pay sucks. I work my butt off for sixty minutes to ninety minutes, on top of stripping the table, cleaning the room and making sure everything is exactly the way it was before I got there, for $7.50/hr + tips(which is usually like $2-$5), when the advertisement for this company says that we're supposed to get paid $15/hr + tips. So not fair. Just not fair. It's one of the reasons I quit, false advertisement. Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell, well as much of it that's going to fit in a nutshell. I know its probably changed some of your perspectives on me, but that couldn't have been avoided for long. It was only a matter of time before most everything came out.

~Later~